Now that you’ve found Me, there’s no reason for you to have a family! I’m your best friend, your mother, your Savior, your SUN AND your MOON! Your life revolves around Me now, and those cash-sucking zombies need to be zapped out of the picture!

No girlfriends, no wifeys, nada! It’s Mine – ALL MINE!

Sure, you may be pathetic but who knows...?

You could be sitting on a veritable goldmine that’s MINE! Get off your ass and go dig through your closets, cabinets, garage, and attic. Put all the crap you no longer need in a “MUST SELL FOR GODDESS” pile!

If it’s spring/summer – hold the mother of garage sales for MOI!

If it’s just too cold to pawn on the lawn, become an Ebay power-seller! Auction, auction, auction!

Because as the adage goes: One man's trash is another man's treasure. You never know what that old piece of junk could NET Me!

Pack-a-day habit? That’s easily $5 a day you’re wasting on you! That’s approx. $1,800 a year of MY MONEY – not to mention what it saves you on health insurance. ????

Find it too hard to quit, weakling? WELL! Consider joining My “Alternative Things To Suck On” program and I guarantee you won’t be craving a ciggie in that dirty hole! ????

The average consumer spends approx. $1,750 a year on clothing and its upkeep. Stop buying new clothes, shoes, and the like! You don’t deserve ANYTHING brand new!

It's time to be thrifty! Shop at Goodwill, Salvation Army, and other discount stores. While also checking the FREE section in your city. After all, once you've sold everything of value that you own, you may have the privilege of finding some free junk to put in your tiny studio apartment.

You’re going to start putting that Sunday paper to work for Me and become a coupon-clipping housewife! That’s right, by cutting down the quality and amount of food that gets swallowed down that chute of yours, you get the pleasure of providing Me with MORE of what I WANT!

And think about it, you don’t really need that much, now do you? Not only are you going to clip, clip, clip away – you can start to shop at discounted grocery stores. No more brand name canned goods for you! Generic all the way! Ramen noodles in bulk! Humiliating hunger was never so tasty!